Giddiness

Having suspected for days that we might be expecting again, last night I finally persuaded K to go buy a pregnancy test by refusing to empty my bladder until I had a test in hand. Uncomfortable, but effective. Just as with every test I've taken before, I tried to avert my eyes and not watch the color slowly creeping through the test window. I tried to wait the full three minutes and I tried to brace myself for there being nothing to see in the result window. As with every test I've taken before, my eyes were drawn back to the test every 20 seconds at most. I'm a pro at this by now, so when I saw even a faint pink line in the result window, my heart leaped in my chest, my adrenalin surged, the familiar giddiness coursed through my body, and I couldn't stop smiling even as I kept averting my eyes while waiting for the full three minutes to pass. My eyes would shift from the test to my watch, back and forth, until three minutes on the nose had passed. At this point, I was free to stare without so much as blinking at this wonderful test, at these beautiful pink lines, and to bask in the joyous feeling that I had only experienced five times before and may very well never experience again.

I've always wanted to break the news to K in a spectacular manner, but since he knew exactly what I was doing, the element of surprise just wasn't there. I walked into the kitchen holding the test proudly in front of me, though I'm sure he knew by the smile that I had no control over what the result was. This being our fifth child together, there was no screaming or jumping up and down or dancing wildly through the house. Just a very subdued hug and two uncontrollable smiles.

I debated telling my mom and Justin over dinner in some grand fashion, but after your second child, you never know when you're going to get those reactions that make it clear that someone thinks you must be crazy. I've gotten it from my dad and my stepdad before, and with Maya being only 7 months old, I felt almost certain I was going to get it again. So ... I e-mailed my mom. That sounds shameful, I know, but I did at least make it fun. Throughout my pregnancy with Maya, I sent Mom weekly updates on what the baby looked like at this stage, and how she was growing, so I just sent Mom a 5th week update. Within a minute after sending the e-mail, my phone rang, and I knew it was her. She sounded truly happy and excited, which made me happy. I thought I'd let her tell my stepdad, though, so I wouldn't have to face the negative reaction, and I have yet to hear from him, so I suppose it's just as well.

I'm just going to go stare at the test a while longer.